转贴网友对我的“It is Still Summer" 的评论 (挑错）

来源: 于 2016-08-30 06:13:40 [博客] [旧帖] [给我悄悄话] 本文已被阅读：次

我转贴评论，不都是好评。这是治学态度， 我贴在那个被Critiqued 的版面，任何人都可以修改，指点任何人都作品，练习。 I admit that my English is broken .

xiaoman

It Is Still Summer
It Is Still Summer

It's still summer, feels awesome,
I don an old and blue blouse.
in the tones of the wind chime,
I mow the lawn outside my house.

A train passing by gives loud sounds,
Going through fast without rest.
Flowing in the sky are some clouds;
Behind them the sun sinks west.


This Saturday afternoon,
My sweat drops will moisturize
the leaves that will fall soon,
Adding beauty to the autumn sights.


(After reading Autumn Within By Longfellow. Images such as cold, old, silence and so on in his poem sound sad ... )
  • 2016-08-29, 19:39
    Firemajic
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by xiaoman View Post
    It Is Still Summer

    It's still summer, feels awesome,
    I don an old * and* blue blouse.** cut "and"
    in the tones of the wind chime,
    I mow the lawn outside my house.

    A train passing by gives loud sounds,
    Going through fast without rest.
    Flowing in the sky are some clouds;*** Use this opportunity to add drama to your imagery...
    Behind them the sun *sinks* west.** sinks is generic... be creative...


    This Saturday afternoon,
    My sweat drops will moisturize** hahaa, not sure how sweat adds moisture and beauty to Autumn....
    the leaves that will fall soon,
    Adding beauty to the autumn sights.


    (After reading Autumn Within By Longfellow. Images such as cold, old, silence and so on in his poem sound sad ... )





    as always, xiaoman, you poetry charms with it's simplicity.... Just a few thoughts you can ponder... hahaa... anyway.. thank you... ;)
  • 2016-08-30, 06:14
    ned
    hello - a nice upbeat poem relating the joys of a late summer.

    good points made above, and can only add that 'awesome' is not a great word choice
    in the first line - overused, it seems these days, for things that blatantly do not evoke awe.
    which sounds like the case here.
    maybe, needs something more sincere and original.

    in the tones of the wind chime - is really nice
    Ned

 

 

我又不是人民币，我阻挡不了别人喜欢抑或不喜欢我。怎样翻译？  I am not Renminbi I can't do anything with the dislike from others or  keep them away from becoming fond of me.

 

 I admit that my English sucks.鬼脸