Those winters in China (寫得有點長， 而且是一地雞毛. 見諒.)

Today is an unusually cold day in the mid-west for April.  It made me think of those winters I had in China.  My sister and I grew up in a city in China that is cold and wet in winters, and still probably doesn't have heat for many people.  Of course, at the time, we did not have heat.  But this is not what I want to write about.

I am writing this with an important purpose for those who have similar experiences.  I was able to deal with my past to a large extent thanks to Chinese people my age who shared their experiences at different forums.  For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me and my sister, but now I don't think so.  I am grateful to all those who shared their experiences.  It seems many people born in the 30s and 40s in China do not have affection for their children.  So I hope anyone reading this who has similar experience can get some validation from my writing.  We probably were not perfect children, but don't blame yourself for what happened.

I am probably not going to respond to any of you after I post, not because I don't want to.  It is only because there is too much pain in my heart.  Writing this in a way makes me feel better, but it also refreshes the memories.  So I want to come back some other time.

My dad is probably a typical鳳凰男, but because of some tragedy in his family, he was even more devoted than you can imagine.  He was a well-known 大孝子 in their small town. Unfortunately, he got married due to pressure from his family.  Even more unfortunate for me and my sister, my mother revenged him by taking whatever she could to her娘家.  She has many siblings and many, many nephews and nieces.   Her family was not rich, but everyone practically had higher living standard than my parents even though a few of them did not have salary as high as my parents on paper.  Now that I realize my mother has 非常偏執 personality. Her relatives actually describe her very negatively,even though none of them uses precisely the word "偏執".  None of them really likes her, since even though she would give money and resources to her relatives, she also got involved in their business too much.  But because they don't like her, she wants to give them more to get some 話語權.

If my dad's co-workers, former classmates or relatives gave us something, my mother just had to take some away to her 娘家 and to her nieces and nephews.  Many of them lived in the same city (less than 10 mins bike ride), so it was easy for her to do so. For example, if we got some foreign chocolate, my mother would make us give her some.  We really had very scarce material comfort in the 1970s and 1980s, still my mother could not see us having anything a little bit luxurious. If my sister and I had something that is not for pure survival, my mother just had to take whatever away. 

 

When I was very little, my mother would tell us that it is a stupid idea to have children.  Even though I was very little, I understood that she did not like us.  Her giving birth to two daughters did not help with her status at 婆家  , or even 娘家.  In many ways, my sister and I also resembled our dad and of course, we had his last name.  The bitter marriage and her resentment towards her man made her hate her own daughters.  She tried to divorce many times, but her單位 did not have housing, and her 娘家's housing was occupied by her brothers' families. Our housing at the time was assigned by my dad's 單位.  I don't know how much my mother's words has affected us, but my sister has chosen not to have any kid even though she has been happily married for 16 years. 

One year when my sister and I were in middle school and high school, surprisingly my mother insisted on getting a water heater.  That was in the 1980s.  Usually our family would be the last to get anything considered a little bit advanced, but not this time.

It turned out that my mother then invited everyone from her 娘家 to take a shower at our place in winters every week.  This lasted a few years.  Not everyone she invited came, but enough came that often on our place was crowded with people taking showers and waiting to take showers. We only had one bathroom, so it was really awkward.  To this day, I still cannot completely cure myself the uneasiness when a nearby bathroom is not available.    

This is not the worst.  The water heater was not of good design yet.  Also  煤氣罐 was the only energy available, so the fuel supplying the water heater was not really strong.  The water heater was running all the time supplying many people's shower needs.  The place was filled with the smell from the incomplete burning of the fuel.  So even though it was bitter winter, we had to keep all windows open.  Still, my sister and I had 煤氣中毒 many times. They just were not serious enough to kill us.   People who came to take showers did not stay for too long, but my sister and I were inside, and we were young.  We really did not have an allowrance to go somewhere, and the city in China did not really have nice public facilities.   It was too cold to be outside for too long.  Fortuantely for us, my dad's family members lived too faraway to also come and take showers. 

This saved my mother's relatives some money not having to go to澡堂.  But honestly they can well afford that. I think my mother got tremendous mental satisfaction that she was able to revenge my dad by doing everything she could. 

A few years ago, I was going back to the city in China for two months.  The city has quite some temperature fluctuations.  But I did my best and squeezed whatever I had into one carry-on. My parents were in America.  I would check in two big suitcases full of things my mother had for her many 娘家 family members. I gave my mother a few things of mine and asked her to put into one of the two suitcases since they could not fit into the small carry-on. I was going to meet her at the airport and she would give me the two suitcases.  When she showed up, she told me that she had so much she took my stuff out of the suitcase.  For herself, she only uses American Airline even if the tickets are more expensive since American still lets you take two suitcases.

Things like that are part of the life my sister and I had and still have to some extent since my parents are in America.  They pressure my sister and I to host our cousins' children to study in this Mid-west city, as if my sister and I are still the scared and vulerable little girls in China.  There is so much I want to write about.  I know it is really 一地雞毛, but for someone who has to go through those experiences, the impact and the damage is much heavier than 雞毛.

My parents practically fought every day when we were young. Several times me and my sister came home only to find the walls adding new blood stains due to some serious biting.  They would be united only when they were against my sister and me.  this is one of the important reasons that for a long time I thought my sister and I had some problems.  They were fighting all the time, but when it came to my sister and I, they would be so united against us.  So I thought that must be our fault. I thought my sister and I did not behave well   and caused our parents to always place us the last on their priority list. 

My sister and I went to the best schools in the city through our own efforts.  My sister was a straight A student all throughout.  I was a B student.  But whenever our parents had some 不如意 at work or in life, they would beat us.    If America's child protection laws were enforced on my parents at the time, they would be in prison for ever.  Unless they hire expensive lawyers, wait...wait, I don't think so.  They would rather give their money to their respective 原生家庭.

It really took me a long time to heal. But slowly, like I said earlier, I stopped blaming myself.  AGain, like I said earlier, this is partially thanks to those who shared similar experiences.  Someone (sorry I don't remember who, I will use person A) wrote that A's mother thinks her 侄子 (A's cousins) are more important than A and only the 侄子are her family, not A.  And this is because they can carry on A's mother's last name.

My mother treats all of her nieces and nephews very well, not just her 侄子.  So I cannot explain every one of her behavior...I am not sure if this only exists in the Chinese culture.  I have asked quite some American friends.  NOt every one of them has loving parents, but none exhibits the trait like my parents that their 原生家庭 is much more important than the family they form after they get married.

Today my parents are extremely angry that my sister and I are not close with them.